And there was something that day which didn't feel right, it
simply didn't. I thought about it that moment, while I waited with baited
breath, for you.. to turn, just once, for just few seconds.. But you chose not
to..
So as I saw you going, a realization set-in that moment only
that seeing you go away without acknowledging my presence was kind of some
sign, of the upheaval that was to ensue. And now more than an year later, during the wee hours, with
the insomnia stricken eyes, which are torn between the battle of physical need
to sleep and revolting heart’s ask to stay awake, I wonder, what changed..
I wonder whether it was a delusion earlier or did I read it
completely wrong all along? How does it feel to be made felt of being of no
significance to someone when your whole existence has gotten used to revolve
around to care for that someone special. And all of a sudden, you feel like dirt which stays even though no one cares
about its presence and when it tries to make the presence felt, it finds itself
being a nuisance, unwanted and unwelcome.. And more it tries, worse it gets..
While sitting wide awake with dawn approaching but still no
signs of sleep, I wonder if you still look at the star we once promised to look
at when we would remember each other. At times, I gaze at it, it does hurt, but
I still do because I have started to believe that at times running away from
pain is not the solution, perhaps soaking into it until the point of becoming numb is..
Do I miss you? I
don’t know, but more than that, I feel confused. You said things I hadn't dreamed you ever would, and you did things I never imagined you will and you
chose to break all the promises you made and you forgot all the moments you
said will be the most precious memories of us, and in process you left me..
broken, confused, shattered and distraught..
Do I miss you? I don’t know, but more than that I ponder
over the fact that did I see the real you? Because the ‘you’ I see now is a
different person altogether.. So was this the same ‘you’ that I knew? Because
except for the name, face and voice and I don’t find any resemblance? And this
disturbs me..
Do I miss you? I don’t know.. But more than that, there is
this overwhelming fear of the fact that I might start hating you and the day I
do that I will lose the real me because bitterness is not something that I am
used to, that too for someone who mattered so much to me..
Do I remember you and the things that we talked about? Well,
to be honest, I never forgot them and perhaps never will as some griefs go with
us.. More than anything, what hurts most is, I was just a tool, a passé, some
stop-gap, a temporary toy you got bored of and tossed away, not thinking that I
too have a beating heart which cared for you..
And when I say, no it doesn't hurt anymore, I actually lie..
Because it does, like hell.. Deep down, I always knew and know that I am never
meant to be happy, and you just proved me right despite knowing my fragility..
We all make choices, I chose to be stamped upon to keep you happy, while you
chose to break me into pieces I am still trying to gather..
And when I say, no it doesn't hurt anymore, I actually lie..
Because it does hurt to realize that I
can’t remember the way you used to smile with your eyes gleaming.. giving the
insights of your soul, at least until I used to feel I am actually able to see
through them, until they turned completely opaque to me..
And when I say, no it doesn't hurt anymore, I actually lie..
Because it hurts to remember how you left without ever looking back; how
you broke every single one of your promises and in process, broke me, little by
little, every single moment. People driven by emotions don't think rationally, probably
clearly evident in my case. I have realized, even though a little late that
even the people closest to me don't owe to reciprocate and respond to my
feelings.
And while you’re blissfully ignorant of all this misery
which may mean nothing to you since I in first place never meant anything, I am
struggling to program my mind into tricking my heart to come out of this
abyss.. But I wish I could ever know if you really cried that day when I sobbed
uncontrollably out of despair.. if you
really cared when you said you did.. if you really meant when you said you
imagine me holding a baby in my arms when I had told you I am fond of babies.. if you really meant it when you said ‘we are
forever’ because that forever seemed just a blink of an eye.. if you really
meant you trust me more than you trust yourself because your actions have
stated otherwise..
Have you seen the nightmares with your eyes open my dear,
for I have seen them and I see them every day.. And I don’t say that you are
the reason behind all my nightmares because my life was already full of them,
but you for sure have given me add-on ones aplenty and the ones that caused
worst possible heartache.. They say, time heals all the wounds.. Even if it doesn't, it outlasts the wounds.. But the grief remains, along with the scars..
But they too will last only as long as I will for someday, the time will
outlast me as well.. What will remain behind is the truth which probably no one
will care to see, no one would be interested in.. Truth that someone cared
while someone else deliberately betrayed, in full senses, for some people,
feelings mean nothing but merely a word.. But you know the thing about Truth
dear? Truth is a constant and remains Truth even if no one sees, cares or believes
in it..
So as we have diverged into widest possible paths, I wish
you all the happiness for at least one of us really cared, and perhaps that is
where my expectations went haywire for I expected you to care not realizing,
to care one needs to have a heart inside and not the stone..