Reminisces..

Bitter,

   Sweet,

      Sour,

         is how nostalgia tastes..

Flipping furtively through the old photographs,

Realization hits,

         you look different,

         than how I remember..

And I pause,

           disturbed..

               then reminisce,

                   trying to re-collect,

                             and sigh heavily..

Faint,

     Laden,

         Sweet,

               And Acrid,

                  is how nostalgia smells..

What ensues is,
         a long gaze,

         and a blank stare,

                  at nothing in particular..

While the heart fills-in, 
         with the completeness felt,

                                two decades ago,

         and the void felt ever since..

And I remember you..
         not how you look,

                          in the old and wrinkled yellow tinted pictures,

         but just the way you did in real..

And I remember,
        the clock turned back,

                         to the times,

               when you were small,

                          and I was smaller..

And I remember the laughter,

         and the joys,

                 carefree giggles,

                          and the best of moments..

And while you are not here,

             under the same gray sheet of the sky,

                         dotted with eternal stars,

                                         with the beam of moonlight..

You are with me..

        You are with us,

                You will continue to always..

                       

Until we meet again,

          on the other side..

Random Thoughts#7

Fleeting

Floating

And sinking..

Skies turning into,

          Hazel and amber..

And green leaves,

          Whirling down into pale yellow..

Earnest summers transmuting,

          to cold blue winters..

Blooming florets,

            Mutating to dried pomander..

While the wounded naive bird,

            Perched alone,

            Stunned and dazed..

            With a mind,
            Fleeting

            Floating

            And sinking..

            Waited indecisively..

            Wondering,
            Was it for real?

            or
            Is this the real?

Shutting down..

And for moments,
Leap back in time..

Wade back the years,
Slumber into far gone yesterdays,
Sitting at the porch,

Feeling the dusty sunlight

        On the eyelids..

And shadow of the,
        Good old,

                  Soft and maroon

                           Memories..
                  With softness of a

                            Sweet rhyme..
                  With beguiling of a

                           familiar ache..
                  And brutality of a
                           sharp blade..
      Don’t slumber,
      Don’t sleep,
      Don’t wade

      Wake up..

And
Stay in silence..
Stay behind the silence..

A Raindrop..

It poured heavily..
And while everyone marveled the incessant rain,
‘The drop’ glided over the glass pane,
Caught the attention..
And glittered the rainbow within..

And it poured heavy again..
And through the unforgiving downpour,
A drop quietly trickled down the glass pane,
Trying to hold dearly,
Clinging and clutching sliding further,And melting into oblivion..

Promise..

Shouldn't it have been,
About the promises..

That when the grass aged brown and turned into hay,
And the wind became cold,
And the leaves withered,
and shriveled,
    dried,
    and fell,
    in the autumn..

Still,
Forever could have,
              remained forever..
                       And,
                          never the 'not'..

Nothing and Everything..

At times,

difference between nothing and everything,

is..

Breeze in the face,
and fleck on the mind,
a gone yesterday,
and an easy good bye..

Countless twinkling stars,
in the vast infinite sky..
Reason for existence,
and contours of the life..

Random Thoughts#6

And I felt I could listen for hours.. With words that hit so close to home that it felt like they were made for me. They kind of reached into me and unknotted to tousled mess of hurt and pain, laying it out on the canvas like a map and maneuvering a course to happier times..

But then it ended, it faded and it was gone.. in oblivion, just like everything else, in the past; and in turn, leaving behind another trail of memories and another void to live with..

About The Feelings And The Lack There Of..

And there was something that day which didn't feel right, it simply didn't. I thought about it that moment, while I waited with baited breath, for you.. to turn, just once, for just few seconds.. But you chose not to..

So as I saw you going, a realization set-in that moment only that seeing you go away without acknowledging my presence was kind of some sign, of the upheaval that was to ensue. And now more than an year later, during the wee hours, with the insomnia stricken eyes, which are torn between the battle of physical need to sleep and revolting heart’s ask to stay awake, I wonder, what changed..

I wonder whether it was a delusion earlier or did I read it completely wrong all along? How does it feel to be made felt of being of no significance to someone when your whole existence has gotten used to revolve around to care for that someone special. And all of a sudden, you feel like  dirt which stays even though no one cares about its presence and when it tries to make the presence felt, it finds itself being a nuisance, unwanted and unwelcome.. And more it tries, worse it gets..

While sitting wide awake with dawn approaching but still no signs of sleep, I wonder if you still look at the star we once promised to look at when we would remember each other. At times, I gaze at it, it does hurt, but I still do because I have started to believe that at times running away from pain is not the solution, perhaps soaking into it  until the point of becoming numb is..

Do I miss you? I don’t know, but more than that, I feel confused. You said things I hadn't dreamed you ever would, and you did things I never imagined you will and you chose to break all the promises you made and you forgot all the moments you said will be the most precious memories of us, and in process you left me.. broken, confused, shattered and distraught..

Do I miss you? I don’t know, but more than that I ponder over the fact that did I see the real you? Because the ‘you’ I see now is a different person altogether.. So was this the same ‘you’ that I knew? Because except for the name, face and voice and I don’t find any resemblance? And this disturbs me..

Do I miss you? I don’t know.. But more than that, there is this overwhelming fear of the fact that I might start hating you and the day I do that I will lose the real me because bitterness is not something that I am used to, that too for someone who mattered so much to me..

Do I remember you and the things that we talked about? Well, to be honest, I never forgot them and perhaps never will as some griefs go with us.. More than anything, what hurts most is, I was just a tool, a passé, some stop-gap, a temporary toy you got bored of and tossed away, not thinking that I too have a beating heart which cared for you..

And when I say, no it doesn't hurt anymore, I actually lie.. Because it does, like hell.. Deep down, I always knew and know that I am never meant to be happy, and you just proved me right despite knowing my fragility.. We all make choices, I chose to be stamped upon to keep you happy, while you chose to break me into pieces I am still trying to gather..

And when I say, no it doesn't hurt anymore, I actually lie.. Because it does hurt to realize that  I can’t remember the way you used to smile with your eyes gleaming.. giving the insights of your soul, at least until I used to feel I am actually able to see through them, until they turned completely opaque to me..

And when I say, no it doesn't hurt anymore, I actually lie.. Because it hurts to remember how you left without ever looking back; how you broke every single one of your promises and in process, broke me, little by little, every single moment. People driven by emotions don't think rationally, probably clearly evident in my case. I have realized, even though a little late that even the people closest to me don't owe to reciprocate and respond to my feelings.

And while you’re blissfully ignorant of all this misery which may mean nothing to you since I in first place never meant anything, I am struggling to program my mind into tricking my heart to come out of this abyss.. But I wish I could ever know if you really cried that day when I sobbed uncontrollably out of despair.. if you really cared when you said you did.. if you really meant when you said you imagine me holding a baby in my arms when I had told you I am fond of babies..  if you really meant it when you said ‘we are forever’ because that forever seemed just a blink of an eye.. if you really meant you trust me more than you trust yourself because your actions have stated otherwise..

Have you seen the nightmares with your eyes open my dear, for I have seen them and I see them every day.. And I don’t say that you are the reason behind all my nightmares because my life was already full of them, but you for sure have given me add-on ones aplenty and the ones that caused worst possible heartache.. They say, time heals all the wounds.. Even if it doesn't, it outlasts the wounds.. But the grief remains, along with the scars.. But they too will last only as long as I will for someday, the time will outlast me as well.. What will remain behind is the truth which probably no one will care to see, no one would be interested in.. Truth that someone cared while someone else deliberately betrayed, in full senses, for some people, feelings mean nothing but merely a word.. But you know the thing about Truth dear? Truth is a constant and remains Truth even if no one sees, cares or believes in it..

So as we have diverged into widest possible paths, I wish you all the happiness for at least one of us really cared, and perhaps that is where my expectations went haywire for I expected you to care not realizing, to care one needs to have a heart inside and not the stone..

Random Thoughts#5

And at times it's just right to let go of things and let the fate take its course and accept things as they come. You know it that it was never and will never be about expectations. It's about being fine and accepting the fact that certain things are not meant to be. It's about caring wholeheartedly without any hope while remaining in shadow because light shows you a reflection of yourself you may not like despite knowing it’s not your real reflection but just an skewed image reasons for which may be beyond your control. A caring heart is best at caring and not judging, so at times, it’s better to let it do what it is best at. 

And at times it’s about being okay even if you are not at all okay and being at peace and remaining strong even if it hurts like hell. As they say, at times it's better to 'Let it all go, see what stays'..

About The Dreams..

What is it with dreams? Surreal when we are in them, look real but with an illusory softness about them. I saw you, looking at me, with your bright and big eyes looking at me, holding my gaze, gripping my attention and I looked at you; transfixed, mesmerized, engrossed, fascinated, listening to every word you said, listening to it like some music and then I heard you giggling.. It was a soft giggle, felt purple.. Maybe it was light pink.. But do giggles have colors to it? Of course they do, one part of me replied while other contested. And dreams are not something wherein you reason, that too within yourself. And I realized, you were not giggling anymore, you were not speaking anything either.. You were just looking at me, with your big, bright and innocent eyes and then you smiled, your best smile and then I felt your face fading away..

It’s not a good feeling to get up from a dream, especially the ones which have the surreal softness about them, more so when reality in life is just the opposite. You find yourself in a trans where a part of you wants to go back to that dream despite knowing it was just a dream, a broken one at that while other part of you struggles to understand the thing racing inside you which we call pulse rate which for sure has again gone high. So very next moment, you are back to your senses, completely awake, just like yesterday. You check the time and it reads 4:30 AM, just like yesterday and all the recent yesterdays. You try to sleep but find your mind starts doing the multi-threading, thinking about all the possible things under the sun at the same time. And you feel tired, drained and exhausted.

What is it with dreams? Especially the ones with the illusory softness.. Wish one could sleep without dreams, especially the surreal ones.. Wish one could sleep just for the sake of sleeping  without being held into false and deceptive hopes and promises, for real life offers plenty of them already.. Wish at times one could just sleep because your brain needs it.. Wish one could just sleep..

Of Words And The Meanings..

From a well known movie..

"When people talk to each other, they never say what they mean..

They say something else and you're expected to just know what they mean...."

And then there are few, who believe in what they hear, trust in what they are told, rely on the promises that are made and as the luck would have it, left in between.. abandoned, deserted, cut-off and discarded.

Hope is a funny thing because it stands tall against all the hopelessness, turning a blind eye to all the void that rests beneath irrespective of the past experiences and the present actualities; just like the fire flickering hard before stammering out into darkness because it still believes that words said do mean what they mean and not anything otherwise that was never stated. And a world where white doesn't mean white and black is perhaps red or blue or any other color but never black, may be despair is the fair price one needs to pay.

And at times you wish life had buttons, to turn off the things but on second thought; I would rather let it remain the same because of many reasons but none in particular; and perhaps because like many other things in life, at times, we don’t need reasons, we just need to accept things as they happen, as they come in, as they materialize.

Just like the act of letting go, accommodating the changes might be inconvenient, but we just have to, more so because here too we don’t have any other options (even though we were ironically)..

Limbo..

What is life but the choices that we make.. But does the life always give us the options? At times it’s like choosing in between two identical switches with completely different outcomes. Life is also about choices where we get to choose between two identical options, albeit with equal outcomes this time, which we are actually aware of beforehand, and both of them leading to same deep abyss. And there are also the days when we don’t actually get to choose, but to just witness it, with others making the calls for us; so we just watch, helplessly as meek spectator, just like a fatality about to be executed without any reason.

And as if it couldn't get any worse; there are times when you actually find yourself to be a choice, an option, an alternative; or rather, just a choice, just an option, just an alternative; or perhaps, just one of the choice among many, just another option among the aplenty at dispense, just one of the alternative among  many present. When this reality confronts us, it comes as a shock, but then the realism sinks in and then some part of us dies, just like the hope which finally gave up after fighting the long battle against the hopelessness. And then the life becomes like a stanza of a poem which suddenly lost all its meaning and course and you don’t know how to continue because there isn't much to write in it but you can’t end it either for it can’t be ended abruptly just because it doesn't sound right to end it that way..

So you hang in there on tenterhooks, in a limbo.. staring, watching, waiting, (absurdly) hoping, even though very well aware that some poems are supposed to remain incomplete..

Just scribbling

Strange ways of life.. Pain antidote for pain.. Testing..
Flip-side.. You end up being loser in either of the results

Exit of Raghuram Rajan

So in midst of all the speculation whether he will get another term or not, Raghuram Rajan decides to leave. Of course no one, and for that matter even Raghuram Rajan is not indispensable. Life has this knack of rolling on despite the changes that come in. But events like these do have their repercussions as definitely some equilibrium has been disturbed which will take time to get restored. Of course there are eligible replacements, there has to be for an Economy as large as India. But considering the impeccable record Raghuram Rajan has got over years (And without any PR Agency(ies) doing overmill for him), it would have been in better interest of India to have him at the helm of affairs of RBI for another term. With recent developments one could see it coming. A single thinking mind is way too weak to have his say against a complete institution. Specially a country wherein people fail to take a note of the goalposts being shifted by the legislatures and continue to hail them despite all the manipulation for decades over decades and a country obsessed with a need of hero(es); Raghuram Rajan was perhaps not a good fit. Because he did what was expected from him as RBI Governor and an Economist and refused to fall in line and spoke his mind in terms of facts and figures instead of taking sides with botched up data with intention of sending out a false picture. Sad thing is, many of us will never understand the true impact as we continue to live in a cocoon with closed eyes and ears to remain in denial mode.

Perhaps this exlains why very few of us even wonder how come India stands at 122^nd in GDP PPP even though being at 7^th in GDP Nominal across globe. In latest development, World Bank has placed India in lower-middle economy group, below other BRICS countries and at par with our neighbors Bhutan, Myanmar, Pakistan and Bangladesh which pretty much sums up the state of our current economy.

Indian Politics and Cynism

Another scam, another series of finger pointing, demands for resignation, claims of innocence, accusations, TRP for news channels, people gossiping over tea as if their lives depend on it.

Internal probe? CBI Inquiry? Law taking its course? And the talks about that unfailing faith in the judicial system even though knowing where do we actually stand. But haven’t we heard of similar stuff in past as well? I mean, are we really serious and really expecting a logical outcome? Whatever happened to the Hawala, fodder scam, Taj Corridor scam, Common wealth scam, Indian coal allocation scam, 2G spectrum scam and many more of these with amounts tuning into figures for which counting the zeros would be a cumbersome task!

To fix the system, the very surveilling mechanism needs to be repaired. But the trillion $ question is (yes trillion, and not the million or billion considering the magnitude of the scams that we come across), are the stakeholders willing to put their buck on it? Absolutely not, because they are the first hand beneficiaries from a system which is rotten to the hilt. Had they been willing, they would have, long-long ago.

Multiple iterations of the similar sets of events with absolutely null outcome, at times, makes you feel that may be in few scenarios, being skeptic is better than having a false sense of optimism..

Random Thoughts#4

And there are moments when you wonder, what changed, with same set of stars watching us over..
Answer is, for some questions there are no answers.

So scars need to be covered, feelings need to be buried, grief need to be masked and ‘some’ dreams need to be forgotten.

And then maybe, years later, somewhere down the lane, when I will pause to reflect back upon the time gone by, the train of thoughts will bring up these memoirs.

Until then, let all this remain concealed underneath my heart, as those lingering memoirs do, as those elapsed moments do, as those dying hopes do.

For, despite all the pains and trivialities one goes through, there is a life to be lived, things to be done and promises to be fulfilled..

Behind the smiles

Loneliness is..

Staring at the screen, waiting for '-- is typing'

Feeling happy even with one word reply..

Again indefinitely staring at the screen, waiting for '-- is typing'

Asking vague questions, just to keep the one way conversation going 'somehow'

Loneliness is..

Overwhelming feeling of the need of being heard,

But no one to listen you..

And feeling desolate,

In the hustling crowd..

Loneliness is..

Watching the rain downpour,

Sitting by your window,

With your cup of tea alone..

Loneliness is..
Reading the texts you once sent,
And were left unanswered..

Loneliness is..

To smile.. when you don’t feel like smiling..

But just for the sake of it..

Loneliness is..
Watching the dreams die,
Which were once promised to be seen together..

Loneliness is..
Thinking about the moments that never came to reality,
To turn into memories..

And smiles and smileys,

Just like vague talks and forged feelings,

Unmeant words and not kept promises,
Unfulfilled dreams and Unlived memories,

At times, they all lie..

:)

Random Thoughts#3

Vulnerable, but still opened up, once again trusting; submitted every last grain of self, with renewed hope to really ‘live’..

Got crushed..

Random Thoughts#02

Not all wounds need be healed. For some scars should remain there, forever; to keep us grounded, to remind us that I actually ‘survived it’..

Tomatoes and intolerance

Of late, the word ‘Intolerance’ has been making news much more than what we are actually capable of tolerating, which got me to pen down my two pennies worth.

I am fond of tomatoes. I can use them in vegetables, I can eat them raw, I can put them in salad and then I can make some nice ketchup as well. Point I want to prove here is, tomatoes are essential so it does have its flourishing market with a number of suppliers, some of them new, some of them old, who are always collaborating, manipulating, switching groups with each other to stay relevant and afloat in the business. And all of them, yes ‘all of them’ indulge in malpractices as well.

So as a customer, this is the option I have at my disposal. I have a group of suppliers I can approach to, who present the nicely packaged boxes of tomatoes, but inside the box, half of them are actually rotten. This holds true for almost all suppliers with a negligible variance. Personally, if I get into such a situation, I will refuse to purchase the tomatoes, but the last thing I would do is to judge and brand people for the choices they make because barring the names of the brand, the way they promote themselves and people they pool in to advertise, contents they offer is almost identical.

Recently declared Bihar Assembly election results have generated quite a few strange reactions, especially on social media. A quick glance at the stats provided by ADR (Applicable to the people who don’t jump to the conclusions directly, but instead are rational about the things they say) will show, when compared to last election, there is an increase of 1% in the number of MLAs with criminal records. Big deal! Is it really so surprising? Aren't we used to it?

So we are saying, people have made wrong choices. Factually speaking, I never have had much of hope from any of the parties. Look closely at the stats and we will find all the parties fielded candidates with criminal records with BJP and CPI topping the list followed by JD, RJD, Congress, SP, BSP, LJP and the rest. So writing is on the wall that what the actual priorities are for these parties despite the tall claims they make during the election campaigns. Rotten tomatoes are rotten, doesn't matter which supplier it comes from. And as voters, we have always been immature in making the choices. But the crude reactions and branding of the whole state is not in good taste and is totally uncalled for. People who are doing this should introspect how easy it has really become to divide people in India. These reactions become even more deplorable when we realize that Governments that are formed are actually being elected by the votes of at max 15-20% people.

So looking for some more varieties of intolerance? Judging people without any rational is intolerance. Branding a whole section with unpleasant words just because they didn't fall in line of your irrational, half-baked and freakish political point of view is intolerance. Such kind of reactions show high level of prevailing immaturity in our society at large and proves how easy it is to rally people. They have been doing it over and over again and we have been falling for it always.

PS: My views would have remained same even if the election results had been other way round and similar reactions had come up from the supporters of other side. For me, hope lies in the healthy tomatoes and not the supplier. As long as we keep on accepting the rotten ones, we will be continued being served the rotten ones only. At the end of the day, life is all about the choices we make..