Remembering You..

Today it's ten years since you left and we still feel the void you left behind.. In all these years, a lot of things have changed around us, and a lot has changed inside us as well.. To say that we really miss you will be the biggest understatement of our lives.. In all the ups and downs, all the happy and sad moments, we missed you.. We really wished you to be around, but we know that it is no more possible..

And I am sorry, I no more get into painting, for somehow colors have ceased to attract me.. I no more feel that enthusiasm which I used to feel when I used to show you my paintings, bearing the wetness of the water colors used.. I do a little bit of shading though, still using the 2B and 5B pencil.. And the eyes that I sketch and shade; they still come perfect, as if holding the looks of the person who sees it; as you used to tell me.. And I never use my palm to spread the shade on the paper, I only use the pencil strokes, just the way you used to tell me to do..

And I am no more lean and thin and don't keep on running and jumping the stairs either.. So there is no need to worry, I won't trip down.. And I have learnt how to shave properly; it is very simple and I never cut my chin.. And of course I have grown up, but I didn't go on to become 6 feet tall as you used to tell me I would.. I am no more a school going boy as you had seen me last.. I am doing a job now after completing my engineering.. But I couldn't make it to IITs.. I am sorry, I know I have let you and Babuji down.. But I know that you will forgive me.. And we use computer in our everyday life now, just the way we used to imagine in those days.. Of course we have it in our home also; and that too, two of them..

And you will be happy to know that I kept my promise that I will never drink or smoke.. I never did till now and I will never do ever in future either.. It is not just the compulsion of the promise; instead, I too feel it that this is the correct decision..

And you were right; it really hurts to be a little more sensitive.. When you used to tell me this in those days, I didn't even know properly what does really being an emotional person means in real sense? But I do understand now and what I don't understand is how do many people manage to be not-so-emotional.. When happiness and sadness holds the same meaning for everyone then how do some people manage to not understand how these two things make others feel? No I am not angry, I am just a bit confused..

We no more live in our home; we shifted after Babuji left us.. It had become increasingly difficult for all of us to continue there after so much had happened.. At times I still see it in my dreams, but don't know why, I never see it as the same sweet home which it used to be for us.. It looks scary and dark.. I really don't like it that way, so I try my best to not think about it to avoid it coming in my dreams again..

I still read a lot of books and write a little bit.. But who ever reads them says that they lack humor.. I am clueless how to bring that in my writing.. And don't think that I brood over the things a lot.. I do that, but just a little; when I have no one around me.. Earlier I used to vent out everything by crying when alone, but I have controlled that now.. I think I have hardened and matured.. I really make it a point to smile a lot, for most of the people around you feel comfortable only if you are smiling.. Otherwise either they become worried or distant and I don't like to get any of those responses.. And I don't want anyone at home to get worried either, so we all try to keep things light.. It is only Maa who finds it hardest to control the emotions, but we have somehow managed to make her smile again..

Off late, we have learnt to discuss about our old days, days of past, days of our childhood.. Not many days ago, it used to feel like that period before 12th May-2000 was some other life, then the following period up to 18th March-2007 was again another life and the time period after that is our true present.. But now, we have started to open up a little.. But we are still unable to discuss about you, for we still feel very uncomfortable and grief clouds our heart.. We mention Babuji in our conversation sometimes, but after that an impeding silence follows.. I really hope that this will change someday..

I was really feeling very low today, but again somehow managed to handle it.. I never make any efforts to think about negative things, but some times they somehow tend to engulf my thoughts.. It happens all of a sudden; at times when I am talking to someone, or reading something, or travelling, or eating.. almost at any time.. I just feel this uneasiness, some kind of heaviness in my heart.. Re-realization of the fact that I will never see you and Babuji ever again in my life makes me feel choked; I feel a lump in my throat, it pains also, then I find that my vision is blurred with tears and then I realize that I am about to cry.. I really hate this happening to me because it soaks off a lot of energy; I don't like being sad, no one does.. I like being happy, I like to smile; I want to smile, like everyone else does.. So I do take precautions.. I avoid being alone and I call up friends when I feel I am about to be in that condition again.. But I avoid facing Maa in such conditions for somehow she always manages to know that am sad.. So I call up few friends and talk about anything, just to divert my mind and it has been working just fine.. Only thing is, at times they get confused for usually in such conditions, I don't know what to talk about and keep pushing them to talk about 'something' or 'anything' and they wonder why on earth did I called up! They are really very nice, my good friends and I am grateful to them for the favor they do to me unknowingly..

Few days ago I got to see our old albums, pictures of the time when I was not born.. But you were there.. And then the snaps in which you were small and I was smaller.. I saw many other old pics in which all of us are together.. Initially I felt that someone has taken out my heart and has squeezed it mercilessly.. But then I felt better.. Now I see those pics when I am alone and I don't cry watching them.. I feel they are the threads which join me with the time when we all were together.. Some of them are in really bad condition, so I am planning to get their copies made in some good studio this weekend..

I can't imagine you and Babuji to be with god for I can't imagine of a god who is insensitive, who inflicts pain on people who trust him.. And I really feel miserable.. Where have you gone? In some null oblivion? I don't want to think of this.. I never want to have the state of mind where you are forgotten.. I always remember you and Babuji and always miss both of you..

I know that you are not going to read these lines, they hold no meaning.. But still there are some beliefs which keep us going.. I would like to believe that we will meet again in some different world; even if this belief costs me to accept the existence of god..

I just want to make this little promise to me that I will not let my emotions affect the future.. I will not let the negativity eat me up, for I believe in the trust you and Babuji had in me and I want to live up to that..

And right now my vision is not blurred with tears.. But I miss you, I really do..