About The Dreams..

What is it with dreams? Surreal when we are in them, look real but with an illusory softness about them. I saw you, looking at me, with your bright and big eyes looking at me, holding my gaze, gripping my attention and I looked at you; transfixed, mesmerized, engrossed, fascinated, listening to every word you said, listening to it like some music and then I heard you giggling.. It was a soft giggle, felt purple.. Maybe it was light pink.. But do giggles have colors to it? Of course they do, one part of me replied while other contested. And dreams are not something wherein you reason, that too within yourself. And I realized, you were not giggling anymore, you were not speaking anything either.. You were just looking at me, with your big, bright and innocent eyes and then you smiled, your best smile and then I felt your face fading away..

It’s not a good feeling to get up from a dream, especially the ones which have the surreal softness about them, more so when reality in life is just the opposite. You find yourself in a trans where a part of you wants to go back to that dream despite knowing it was just a dream, a broken one at that while other part of you struggles to understand the thing racing inside you which we call pulse rate which for sure has again gone high. So very next moment, you are back to your senses, completely awake, just like yesterday. You check the time and it reads 4:30 AM, just like yesterday and all the recent yesterdays. You try to sleep but find your mind starts doing the multi-threading, thinking about all the possible things under the sun at the same time. And you feel tired, drained and exhausted.

What is it with dreams? Especially the ones with the illusory softness.. Wish one could sleep without dreams, especially the surreal ones.. Wish one could sleep just for the sake of sleeping  without being held into false and deceptive hopes and promises, for real life offers plenty of them already.. Wish at times one could just sleep because your brain needs it.. Wish one could just sleep..

Of Words And The Meanings..

From a well known movie..

"When people talk to each other, they never say what they mean..

They say something else and you're expected to just know what they mean...."

And then there are few, who believe in what they hear, trust in what they are told, rely on the promises that are made and as the luck would have it, left in between.. abandoned, deserted, cut-off and discarded.

Hope is a funny thing because it stands tall against all the hopelessness, turning a blind eye to all the void that rests beneath irrespective of the past experiences and the present actualities; just like the fire flickering hard before stammering out into darkness because it still believes that words said do mean what they mean and not anything otherwise that was never stated. And a world where white doesn't mean white and black is perhaps red or blue or any other color but never black, may be despair is the fair price one needs to pay.

And at times you wish life had buttons, to turn off the things but on second thought; I would rather let it remain the same because of many reasons but none in particular; and perhaps because like many other things in life, at times, we don’t need reasons, we just need to accept things as they happen, as they come in, as they materialize.

Just like the act of letting go, accommodating the changes might be inconvenient, but we just have to, more so because here too we don’t have any other options (even though we were ironically)..

Limbo..

What is life but the choices that we make.. But does the life always give us the options? At times it’s like choosing in between two identical switches with completely different outcomes. Life is also about choices where we get to choose between two identical options, albeit with equal outcomes this time, which we are actually aware of beforehand, and both of them leading to same deep abyss. And there are also the days when we don’t actually get to choose, but to just witness it, with others making the calls for us; so we just watch, helplessly as meek spectator, just like a fatality about to be executed without any reason.

And as if it couldn't get any worse; there are times when you actually find yourself to be a choice, an option, an alternative; or rather, just a choice, just an option, just an alternative; or perhaps, just one of the choice among many, just another option among the aplenty at dispense, just one of the alternative among  many present. When this reality confronts us, it comes as a shock, but then the realism sinks in and then some part of us dies, just like the hope which finally gave up after fighting the long battle against the hopelessness. And then the life becomes like a stanza of a poem which suddenly lost all its meaning and course and you don’t know how to continue because there isn't much to write in it but you can’t end it either for it can’t be ended abruptly just because it doesn't sound right to end it that way..

So you hang in there on tenterhooks, in a limbo.. staring, watching, waiting, (absurdly) hoping, even though very well aware that some poems are supposed to remain incomplete..

Just scribbling

Strange ways of life.. Pain antidote for pain.. Testing..
Flip-side.. You end up being loser in either of the results

Exit of Raghuram Rajan

So in midst of all the speculation whether he will get another term or not, Raghuram Rajan decides to leave. Of course no one, and for that matter even Raghuram Rajan is not indispensable. Life has this knack of rolling on despite the changes that come in. But events like these do have their repercussions as definitely some equilibrium has been disturbed which will take time to get restored. Of course there are eligible replacements, there has to be for an Economy as large as India. But considering the impeccable record Raghuram Rajan has got over years (And without any PR Agency(ies) doing overmill for him), it would have been in better interest of India to have him at the helm of affairs of RBI for another term. With recent developments one could see it coming. A single thinking mind is way too weak to have his say against a complete institution. Specially a country wherein people fail to take a note of the goalposts being shifted by the legislatures and continue to hail them despite all the manipulation for decades over decades and a country obsessed with a need of hero(es); Raghuram Rajan was perhaps not a good fit. Because he did what was expected from him as RBI Governor and an Economist and refused to fall in line and spoke his mind in terms of facts and figures instead of taking sides with botched up data with intention of sending out a false picture. Sad thing is, many of us will never understand the true impact as we continue to live in a cocoon with closed eyes and ears to remain in denial mode.

Perhaps this exlains why very few of us even wonder how come India stands at 122^nd in GDP PPP even though being at 7^th in GDP Nominal across globe. In latest development, World Bank has placed India in lower-middle economy group, below other BRICS countries and at par with our neighbors Bhutan, Myanmar, Pakistan and Bangladesh which pretty much sums up the state of our current economy.

Indian Politics and Cynism

Another scam, another series of finger pointing, demands for resignation, claims of innocence, accusations, TRP for news channels, people gossiping over tea as if their lives depend on it.

Internal probe? CBI Inquiry? Law taking its course? And the talks about that unfailing faith in the judicial system even though knowing where do we actually stand. But haven’t we heard of similar stuff in past as well? I mean, are we really serious and really expecting a logical outcome? Whatever happened to the Hawala, fodder scam, Taj Corridor scam, Common wealth scam, Indian coal allocation scam, 2G spectrum scam and many more of these with amounts tuning into figures for which counting the zeros would be a cumbersome task!

To fix the system, the very surveilling mechanism needs to be repaired. But the trillion $ question is (yes trillion, and not the million or billion considering the magnitude of the scams that we come across), are the stakeholders willing to put their buck on it? Absolutely not, because they are the first hand beneficiaries from a system which is rotten to the hilt. Had they been willing, they would have, long-long ago.

Multiple iterations of the similar sets of events with absolutely null outcome, at times, makes you feel that may be in few scenarios, being skeptic is better than having a false sense of optimism..

Random Thoughts#4

And there are moments when you wonder, what changed, with same set of stars watching us over..
Answer is, for some questions there are no answers.

So scars need to be covered, feelings need to be buried, grief need to be masked and ‘some’ dreams need to be forgotten.

And then maybe, years later, somewhere down the lane, when I will pause to reflect back upon the time gone by, the train of thoughts will bring up these memoirs.

Until then, let all this remain concealed underneath my heart, as those lingering memoirs do, as those elapsed moments do, as those dying hopes do.

For, despite all the pains and trivialities one goes through, there is a life to be lived, things to be done and promises to be fulfilled..

Behind the smiles

Loneliness is..

Staring at the screen, waiting for '-- is typing'

Feeling happy even with one word reply..

Again indefinitely staring at the screen, waiting for '-- is typing'

Asking vague questions, just to keep the one way conversation going 'somehow'

Loneliness is..

Overwhelming feeling of the need of being heard,

But no one to listen you..

And feeling desolate,

In the hustling crowd..

Loneliness is..

Watching the rain downpour,

Sitting by your window,

With your cup of tea alone..

Loneliness is..
Reading the texts you once sent,
And were left unanswered..

Loneliness is..

To smile.. when you don’t feel like smiling..

But just for the sake of it..

Loneliness is..
Watching the dreams die,
Which were once promised to be seen together..

Loneliness is..
Thinking about the moments that never came to reality,
To turn into memories..

And smiles and smileys,

Just like vague talks and forged feelings,

Unmeant words and not kept promises,
Unfulfilled dreams and Unlived memories,

At times, they all lie..

:)

Random Thoughts#3

Vulnerable, but still opened up, once again trusting; submitted every last grain of self, with renewed hope to really ‘live’..

Got crushed..

Random Thoughts#02

Not all wounds need be healed. For some scars should remain there, forever; to keep us grounded, to remind us that I actually ‘survived it’..

Tomatoes and intolerance

Of late, the word ‘Intolerance’ has been making news much more than what we are actually capable of tolerating, which got me to pen down my two pennies worth.

I am fond of tomatoes. I can use them in vegetables, I can eat them raw, I can put them in salad and then I can make some nice ketchup as well. Point I want to prove here is, tomatoes are essential so it does have its flourishing market with a number of suppliers, some of them new, some of them old, who are always collaborating, manipulating, switching groups with each other to stay relevant and afloat in the business. And all of them, yes ‘all of them’ indulge in malpractices as well.

So as a customer, this is the option I have at my disposal. I have a group of suppliers I can approach to, who present the nicely packaged boxes of tomatoes, but inside the box, half of them are actually rotten. This holds true for almost all suppliers with a negligible variance. Personally, if I get into such a situation, I will refuse to purchase the tomatoes, but the last thing I would do is to judge and brand people for the choices they make because barring the names of the brand, the way they promote themselves and people they pool in to advertise, contents they offer is almost identical.

Recently declared Bihar Assembly election results have generated quite a few strange reactions, especially on social media. A quick glance at the stats provided by ADR (Applicable to the people who don’t jump to the conclusions directly, but instead are rational about the things they say) will show, when compared to last election, there is an increase of 1% in the number of MLAs with criminal records. Big deal! Is it really so surprising? Aren't we used to it?

So we are saying, people have made wrong choices. Factually speaking, I never have had much of hope from any of the parties. Look closely at the stats and we will find all the parties fielded candidates with criminal records with BJP and CPI topping the list followed by JD, RJD, Congress, SP, BSP, LJP and the rest. So writing is on the wall that what the actual priorities are for these parties despite the tall claims they make during the election campaigns. Rotten tomatoes are rotten, doesn't matter which supplier it comes from. And as voters, we have always been immature in making the choices. But the crude reactions and branding of the whole state is not in good taste and is totally uncalled for. People who are doing this should introspect how easy it has really become to divide people in India. These reactions become even more deplorable when we realize that Governments that are formed are actually being elected by the votes of at max 15-20% people.

So looking for some more varieties of intolerance? Judging people without any rational is intolerance. Branding a whole section with unpleasant words just because they didn't fall in line of your irrational, half-baked and freakish political point of view is intolerance. Such kind of reactions show high level of prevailing immaturity in our society at large and proves how easy it is to rally people. They have been doing it over and over again and we have been falling for it always.

PS: My views would have remained same even if the election results had been other way round and similar reactions had come up from the supporters of other side. For me, hope lies in the healthy tomatoes and not the supplier. As long as we keep on accepting the rotten ones, we will be continued being served the rotten ones only. At the end of the day, life is all about the choices we make..

About confused tastes

There is nothing called good or bad, right or wrong, ethical or unethical; as long as it suits their motives and fits their equations. Ever thought of going to a restaurant dishing out banana split with 'mustard sauce', "convincing you" that it indeed is a great combination and on your next visit when you are actually used to having banana split with mustard sauce; they manage to erase it from your memory, since it no longer fits their scheme of things, and serving tomato soup with a scoop of Vanilla ice-cream and succeeding in selling it to you!

Welcome to Indian politics (or perhaps it holds good in many other countries as well) where law makers have been dishing out non-sense, bending and exploiting the laws, altering it per their convenience and we have been accepting all of it, adopting, adjusting, accommodating to their permutations and combinations and discussing the stats of poll results as we do discuss the score of some match and take sides in supporting our "favorite team(s)".

We are indeed too naive to comprehend and too confused to even realize that we have been taken for a ride, term after term, year after year, election after election. And trust me, we have been this way since ever and we will continue to be. Sounds cynic? May be, but in my view, I don't see it changing, at least anytime soon.

Disclaimer: I have never tried banana split with mustard sauce and neither tomato soup with vanilla ice-cream. So if you do, please do at your own risk. And no, I don’t want to know how they taste like :)

Random Thoughts#01

Some memories are like old wounds, linger as your shadow, open up unexpectedly and are more painful than ever, with the nostalgia factor they carry..

Numb

Coldness in her eyes disturbed him, the same way it had two months ago. Promises forgotten, feelings fragmented into pieces and all the good memories undone, shattered and turned into nightmares, all he is left is with the deep sense of worthlessness. "What went wrong? Why didn't I see it coming?" are the questions he is left grappling with.

There are moments when you feel you have found a soulmate, only to discover later that soul itself was missing. But what about the times when they spoke and shared about the memories of childhood, and their expectations, fears, insecurities and dreams. Her eyes used to feel soft when they used to look at him, in some way smiling at him. But guess time changes things, and it changes some people too, that too to a great extent, in fact completely. Or maybe things were never real from the other side. This realization made him even more disturbed.

"Please ask yourself, haven't you changed from what you used to be?", he quipped and wanted to question further, but was afraid of hurting her which is the last thing he ever wanted to do, irrespective of the turmoil inside him which has been ripping him apart since all these months now.

He has accepted subconsciously that grey is a color and it is real, as real as it can get, as real as the wind, the sun, the leaves falling off branches of trees during the autumn in full bloom. And so does the life is; it is real, doesn't matter even if it is negative and empty.

And don't care about the tears that were meant to come out of the eyes as they have dried off long ago and have been replaced by the bleeding that is deep inside the heart, spurting out the blood in gallons, only if she had the eyes to see and a heart to care.

They say, there is something romantic about being lonely; at least after genuine efforts, honest feelings go unanswered and your heart says, this is all that I can take, no more please, it begs. Coldness in her eyes has numbed him..

Plastic

And it looked beautiful. It looked tender and it looked even prettier because of its vulnerability. It was almost close to perfection. With its bright attractive color, it looked pleasant to the eyes and its softness made it soothing to the soul and appealing to the heart. And it could sculpt itself as per the need of the hour and that is what made it even more appealing. And they fell in love with it for it was beautiful indeed. With purity only analogous to the drop of dew on the lotus leaf, innocence only comparable to the giggle of a child with bright twinkling eyes and grace akin to divine from heaven, it was undeniably a synonym of precision, a heart stirring stanza straight from the most beautiful poem of a romantic poet.

But it was plastic. It was beautiful but yet it was plastic, with no feelings, no strings in the heart to stir; like some mechanical device programmed to fool you into getting used to it and then one fine day ditch you when you start relying on it completely and feel yourself attached to it mentally and emotionally. It was indeed plastic from head to toe with plastic feelings, and a plastic smile and a plastic heart.

And it suddenly appeared devoid of the emotions. And this lack of emotions felt choking and suffocating. Too much of plastic in this world. And he gasped for air but plastic seemed to have engulfed him and he felt swamped and fought to feel some fresh air in his lungs but in vain.

He battled to open his eyes, could open it a little, may be half and then his eyes started closing as he moved into limbo..

Political Theatrics on Janlokpal

So charade on Janlokpal continues. Congress is all out to prove their dedication for a clean politics and clean system by giving the final push for Lokpal with Rahul Gandhi appealing ‘all parties to pass Lokpal bill’ in a hope to revive his image of star campaigner which has certainly taken a beating with Congress nose-diving in recent state polls in 4 states. BJP is showing what a great 'constructive opposition' they are by talking about the '4 points on which they disagree', and in process comfortably ignoring the gaping gaps present in the draft. And SP creates some ruckus on floor by opposing the Lokpal with statements like ‘Samajwadi Party to go to any extent to block Janlokpal’ to give a feel that we are really going to have some serious Lokpal bill enacted which will really curb the corruption.

But will it indeed? Just think of the fact that even Mayawati's BSP are whole heartedly willing to support the smooth passage of this Lokpal bill. Of course BSP has always been concerned about cleansing the country from corruption, right?

So very soon we will have a dummy and toothless Lokpal is place which will miss the three main features which must have been there for it being of any significance:

1> Citizen Charter - To set a clear timeline for the services rendered by Government offices.

2> Bring lower bureaucracy under Lokpal

3> Establishment of Lokayukt in states

To add to this, even CBI has not been made autonomous.

After being stung by Delhi election results all the existing political establishments are falling over each other to show how serious they are about aspirations of the country and wading out the corruption from country. But with a common enemy in sight which they blundered to ignore, the major political parties are doing a great job of putting up a farce show of their agreements, disagreements and brainstorming acts to show that they are indeed sincere about bringing an effective Janlokpal to confuse the voters for 2014 General elections.

But just try to see beyond what they want us to see, read between the lines, try to remember and find what is amiss and we will find that it is indeed Jokepal (term circulating across social media) and not Lokpal and all this show of their political consensus for Lokpal, a political theatric.

Life in the fleeting time

So it's almost the end of first week of October and it has been close to one month since I came back from home. Usually like many other people I too hate Monday and start counting the days for next weekend as soon as the weekend is over. But last 3 weeks were so hectic that even working on weekends didn't suffice for the office work that was to be done. The new enhancement requests just before deployment, irritating design changes and not to forget the ever so critical production defects ensured that I slogged in office until the wee hours next day only to catch a sleep for few hours and come back the following morning by 10 am.

And suddenly I realized that one month has passed already, just in the same way previous months and the years did. So time really flies by. It is so strange that in real life everyday just appears to be another single day and if we try to compare our today with yesterday, there is not much difference of major significance. But over a period of time, these 'everyday' carry the whole week, months, years and decades with them. They have been doing this since eternity, silently and with such an ease that it goes completely unnoticed until we kind of wake up from sleep and realize, 'Oh it has been one month already!'..

And the copy of 'And the mountains echoed' is still kept untouched. My 2B and 5B pencils are also lying inside drawer waiting to be picked up and used which I had bought 4 months ago to start drawing the portraits, a hobby I stopped pursuing long ago. Promise that I had made to myself about taking photography more seriously is gathering dust just in the same way my guitar with a broken string has been since last 2 years! To add to this, when I gave a casual visit to the ‘posts’ section, I found at least dozen posts in the draft state, some in initial stages, some partially complete and few of them close to finishing line which I never completed and published. All these were/ are my thoughts, my perspective over different things I had felt the need to express and share, but certainly didn’t do justice to them and in another way to myself by keeping them in dormant state.

Where did all this time go? How could I let them slip through my fingers without even realizing? Today I read a post on a blog and could relate to it so much. It was about the fact that how we tend to ignore what we really want to do in our life and how we in a strange manner close our eyes to the very things that really make us happy because we are too much absorbed in our day to day routine and then complain about absence of joy and a lingering feeling about the lack of purpose in life..

I hope to improve in this aspect and attain equilibrium, for sake of my own happiness. And I hope to write more often, read more regularly, and capture the unseen which my heart sees, through the lens of my camera. Suddenly fixing the strings on my guitar seems not just easy but a priority as well and a black and white portrait of a brooding Guru Dutt looks inspiring to pick up my 2B and 5B pencils..

INR, Chennai Express And The Choices That We Make

So INR breached the 63 mark. To be honest, we should not be surprised with the way things have been going since last couple of months. Sad thing is, in a cynical way I get this feeling that UPA-3 or even worse a third front led by some Mulayam or Mayawati will be thrust upon us next year. And perhaps we deserve this as a nation. Because most of us have stopped thinking, stopped contemplating about the choices we make in our lives. We are more concerned about momentarily joys, don't bother about things happening around us unless we are impacted at personal level. But then in that case there is not much we can do about that except just fretting over it. We have stopped appreciating good things and let ourselves buoyed by hype.

For instance, we have films like Chennai Express breaking all the records. And we still crib about the lack of quality in our movies. Success of these movies or anything in that genre in a way illustrates what majority of we Indians are in our choices that we make and our sensibilities. ‘Some Chennai Express’ rules the box office, ‘A UPA-2’ after decades of proved failure gets re-elected and rules country to take it to abyss and still has the audacity to say 'Ho Raha Bharat Nirmaan' shamelessly, corruption rules, ‘An Anna’ fails, ‘A Kejriwal’ is scrutinized for no reasons, anyone showing promises of good governance is doubted as 'foreign agent', ‘Some Khemka and Durga’ are transferred and suspended for taking on the big corrupts hands in gloves with reins of power and corporates control the government and hence in the process our lives. And one main reason behind these kinds of events is the wrong choices we make when we ought to make a correct one; be it electing a good Government or watching a better movie. Yes the truth is our standards have become like that only. It’s because we have lost the ability to distinguish between genuinely good and the fake things.

Ironically and in a strange way, any movie falling in the category of Chennai Express and enjoying similar success just proves it in a very simple way. It symbolizes what we expect from our lives, enjoying brainless junk and being mute spectator to stupid and intellectually deprived things. And trust me, there are people out there who are laughing at us because they know that we are happy with the rubbish being served to us and we can easily be brainwashed and mobilized with false agenda.

It makes me remember these lines I read recently:

“Heavy physical work, the care of home and children, petty quarrels with neighbors, films, football, beer, and above all, gambling filled up the horizon of their minds. To keep them in control was not difficult…. All that was required of them was a primitive patriotism which could be appealed to whenever it was necessary to make them accept longer working hours or shorter rations. And when they become discontented, as they sometimes did, their discontentment led nowhere, because being without general ideas, they could only focus it on petty specific grievances.” – George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four

A note about the past

The year 2012 ended on a terrible note, with the news of demise of my younger Uncle. With no intentions of being philosophical, at times I really feel that many of us are just running in life aimlessly or at least with blurred and ambiguous aims. For we do have some aspirations to fill up, but at times when some news like this comes up, a little reality check will tell us that we have been ignoring many other important things in life. A little attempt to recall tells me that last time when I had seen him was more than 12 years ago and that was during a family gathering after a huge personal loss for each one of us. Last time when I spoke to him over phone was in June 2009. So we really were not in touch all these years. Still, this news sent my mind in a state of gloom. For irrespective of the fact that when I saw him last time and when I spoke to him last time; the reality doesn't change that when we were kids, for big group of my cousins and my siblings, he indeed had the coveted 'favourite Uncle' tag. For kids, there is nothing like sweets and junk food. And being a big foodie himself, unlike other elders, he had won over all of us with his amicable ways.

Time changes many things in life. It changes our priorities, our outlook and to a large extent us as a person also, not essentially in negative way though. But news like this serve as breakpoints; where we pause and reflect over the past, being nostalgic. Even this time will pass over, like it has in past. Another string linking me to my childhood days and memories has snapped. But as they say, life moves on..

You will remain in our memories as the 'favourite Uncle'. With you gone, a void has been created which will remain there for ever. But you have also left us with memories full of laughter, smiles and innocent giggles which we will cherish for ever. You will always be missed and remembered..

Solitude..

Count read 282. And he saw a panel in right having the list of names with a green in front of some of them signifying their status. There were some videos. Some comments below them. And some likes also. There were many pictures, with smiling faces, of happy people. Some of them from the list of those 282. And some more comments below. And some more likes as well. He saw some updates, thoughts being shared about many things and some jokes that had been posted. Followed by some more comments and likes. And everyone seemed to be gelled so well. And he suddenly felt alone, very alone. Irrespective of the fact that there're supposedly 282 friends in his list. He felt miserable, wretched and completely lost; irrespective of the fact that his cell phone was full of the numbers to be dialled and talk to. He felt himself in some sort of abyss, some bottomless pit; wherein he could hear the voices of the people he knew; happy voices, but they didn't seem to hear him, they didn't seem to feel his presence or least the presence of his uneasiness. "Is it same with everyone around?", he thought. And somehow the whole '282' seemed to be mocking to him. He felt alone in the crowd of the familiar people who strangely looked unknown now. He felt like a ‘Nobody’ and non-existent. He felt as if he had been living in a cocoon giving a false sense of comfort which is not around when you actually seek it when you actually feel its need. All of this compounded together, instead of giving comfort only seemed to amplify the discomfort even more. The uneasiness of being invisible in the bright light of the day with a sinking feeling in the heart wherein your pains can’t be even understood, let alone be shared. And then the cursor hovered over to ‘delete account’..

The doors are closed, windows are shut and curtains are drawn. It’s dark now and no one can see him even if they wish to. Strange enough, the darkness feels soothing and pacifying, uneasiness feels personal and the realization of the fact of being in state of oblivion gives a comforting sense just the way a soft serenade does..

Incompleteness..

There is something haunting about the incomplete things. A painting left incomplete with just two eyes drawn on the canvas, staring at you, penetrating you deep down inside. A house in the neighborhood, left under-constructed, which didn't see the joys and the celebrations of the people who would have lived in there, had it gone on to become complete. A tree uprooted in the storm, its greenness drying out of its veins with every passing moment and unripe fruits still on its branches. A paper with few words written on it but all smeared and illegible now. A promise promised long ago but now not kept and forgotten and along with it crushing all the dreams which were seen but never became reality. And when the realization strikes that this incompleteness is there to stay, forever, it instills hollowness inside. Paradoxically, this hollowness is so complete; it engulfs the mind and senses completely blocking the space for any other thoughts to come in.

Same Day And Another Year...

He tried to smile and was surprised to see that he actually managed to. But he knew that his eyes will betray him. They didn’t. “May be because it’s eleven years now”, he thought. “But then why did the sleep elude me whole night yesterday?”, He pondered again. “And what is this uneasiness inside again?”.


“But I smiled today, I really did. I smiled, chuckled and even laughed; and my eyes didn’t betray me either..”, He looked out of the window, gave a look at the high-rise buildings which still had the lights on at few floors but under the overcast  sky, they looked different; draped in shadow. They looked hollow and lost as he was feeling right now. He thought of the various distractions he had tried that evening similar to the previous years, but couldn’t take off his mind from the fact that it was ‘this day’ again. “May be I should have stayed back till late hours in the office”, He thought with his right hand on the window pane. Suddenly a cold wave of wind swept across his face. He looked at the watch. It was 12:15 AM. “Eleven years..”, He sighed, and closed the window..

And That One Fatal Decision

One wrong decision cost Osama Bin Laden his life.. Instead of opting for a hideout in Pakistan (where looks like he was duped), he should have thought of coming to India and get recognized (And you bet he would have been easily).. We would have arrested him 'alive'.. Then he would have been tried in Indian courts for a decade or so to give him a 'fair judgment' and then the death penalty to which he could have always appealed; Dragging the case for another few more years at the highest court and on getting death sentence again, he could have filed mercy plea to the President.. We do have sensitive people like Medha Patekar and Arundhuti Roy who would have supported and fought to the hilt to get him the justice on 'humanitarian' grounds.. Then there are whole lot of human right activists who would have gone on fast unto death demanding to give him a fair chance to 'change', with 'After-all he too is a human' with equal right to live' being their core logic.. Even our Government would have been glad to spend billions for his security which he certainly didn't get in Pakistan.. More than anything, Kasab and Afzal Guru would have got some company.. But one judgmental error of Osama sealed his fate..

P.S.: Pun intended

What Is My Identity....

Working in a foreign country brings a whole lot of new understanding and insights about our life.. We get to see a new culture, new places, new food habits and new beliefs.. And if we try to, then we also get to discover some facts about ourselves which we always knew but never paid attention to.. A usually unquestioned question which more often than not gets an unsatisfactory answer is “What is my identity?”

My Passport says, I am Rajeev Kumar Jha with so and so date of birth and a citizen of India.. But most significant identity which it adds with me is my Passport number.. My PAN card gives me another identity number.. From religious point of view, I am a Hindu and on caste lines, I am a Brahmin whose mother language is Maithili.. From my family’s perspective, I am a son and a brother, may be a good one.. From my friend’s point of view, I am an understanding and caring friend (I hope).. Looking from Accenture’s perspective, I am Software Professional with Java/ J2EE skill set.. For the client here at KL, I am a GCP resource whom they have called from another country to get their work done.. From my colleague’s point of view, I am a team mate, who might or might not be co-operative and the one with whom he/ they need to work with.. From the perspective of the nearest Indian restaurant from my flat here, I am a customer who mostly looks for vegetarian food.. As I have, each one of us are by default attached with a set of identities which may be religious, social, professional or general in nature.. And we all are defined by multiple sets of identities.. Not marking this statement as conclusive and final, barring a few, our identity mostly depends upon other's perspective.. So identities do have important roles to play in our life.. But problem arises when we start giving them the undue attention.. When I think about few of the basic problems back home in India, I feel that somehow, we have let some of these ethnic identities rule our mind and control our lives.. There are quite a few of these ‘set of identities’ which have been in attention for all the wrong reasons.. We don’t get divided over the professions we are having.. We don’t hate people who work for any other company, even a rival one.. We don’t really care about the fact that if we studied and went to the same college or the different ones.. But we do get divided over ‘Religion’, ‘Caste’, ‘Language’, ‘Region’.. Let’s look into these very quickly..

Religions came into existence to bring ‘Me’ and ‘You’ together and convert them into ‘We’.. Today it has again become ‘We’ and ‘You’.. Are we really ‘following our religion’? Caste is probably most misunderstood of various identities that we carry.. It’s just the name of the profession people were involved in years ago.. But ironically, over the years, their generations carried that thing as an identity which took shape of ‘Caste’.. Ever thought of calling kids of an Engineer as ‘Engineer’ or the child of a Doctor as ‘Doctor’ just because of his/her parents profession? Basis of a caste system is as simple as that.. Then why do we continue to divide and discriminate over this ages old baseless thing? Ironically, most of us are doing that.. Coming to language, isn’t it something as simple as ‘medium of communication’? Then why do we see ‘Mine is better’ or ‘Ours is more rich’? No matter which God or faith or religion we follow, we have certainly not been given the power of speech by the creator so that we can spit venom and demean others.. Language is a need, a vital one and its importance solely depends upon the place and people we are interacting and working with.. End of story.. But many people tend to read in between lines and many others know how to manipulate things for their own advantage.. No wonder we have people spreading hatred on the basis of language as well.. Then comes in the ‘Region’.. Yet another dividing factor and has some of its roots in previous three factors.. And there has been continuous attempts by some political entities as well to fuel the issue deliberately to keep their pot boiling.. This has been made a sensitive issue needlessly.. Only thing I want to state is, if we are Bihari, Bengoli, Marathi, Gujari etc first and then an Indian, then we are not Indian in real sense.. But reality is, this aspect is there to stay specially because we have regional political parties which will always use regionalism to spread hatred for their own gain..

So here we are, in the 21st century, and still clutched in the age old beliefs and letting our actions being determined by these meaningless facors.. Some conscious efforts at individual level can certainly make the things improve.. A person doesn’t become good or bad, successful or failure because of the religion he follows, the words he speaks while praying, the Gods he worships.. A person doesn’t become intellect or dumb on the basis of language he speaks.. A person doesn’t become respectful on the basis of caste he is from but because of the deeds he has done.. A person doesn’t become superior or inferior because he belongs to a specific region.. The biggest truth is, we are human beings, an intelligent specie.. Let’s do some justice to this fact.. What was the caste or religion of the people who discovered fire? Or what was the language spoken by the people who set the first wheel rolling? Does it matter? It doesn’t.. It is just about and it is all about the legacy we leave behind by good things that we do here when we are alive.. It need not be a great invention or something on similar lines.. It can be something as simple as treating everyone equally and leading our life in a way which helps in taking the world closer to real harmony even by the slightest extent.. It is about compassion, it is about tolerance and more than anything, it is about doing our work with sincerity and in the right way.. It is about caring and adding smile to an anxious face.. If these words seem to be superfluous, I will try to make them a little simpler.. We all want to be happy in life.. Life is all about an honest attempt wherein we are living happily and giving an honest attempt of trying to make others happy as well..

Anything which pulls me towards negativity and makes me prejudiced is not a part of my identity.. So what is my identity? I am Rajeev, a human being.. I am Rajeev, and I believe in doing my work with sincerity and try to be a helping colleague.. I am Rajeev, and I hope to be a good and caring son, brother and friend for my family, relatives and friends.. I am Rajeev.. and I love to look into the vastness of the infinite sky and its blueness and at night the twinkling stars and the reflection of the moon in water, the same way all of us do.. And I am Rajeev, and love to listen the innocent giggles of kids and watch the smiling faces which sets a real sense of pleasure and fulfillment inside us....

A Nation Betrayed

We are living in a difficult time.. It is an era of scams, enquiry commissions, sky rocketing inflation.. I hate to paint this gloomy picture full of disparity.. But writing in anything otherwise doesn't hold any meaning because these are few facts which even though make us uncomfortable, but they are very much true..So question it leaves behind is, where are we heading to as a nation?

Being in a new country, one way to keep track of the things back home is following the news.. And I do that by using google..co..in >> 'News' tab.. And barring a few instances, usual headlines are the unpleasant ones.. Latest one being CM-Governor ugly spat in Karnataka and the violence that followed on Saturday Bandh.. Same story repeated again.. I will not talk about 'What's the point in observing Bandh', 'The economic loss which occurred', 'How that money could have been utilized', 'The inconvenience common man had to face'.. Because they hold no meaning to our politicians.. We are being governed by a sick and insecure lot, who are confined to their own personal ambitions.. One thing that has been very consistent across the nation and states is, we always have had corrupt Government(s) and irresponsible opposition(s) whose intention has always been to topple the Government so that they can take turns and loot the country..

Why cannot the politicians behave a bit more responsibly? Recently we had a statement coming from a top notch leader that joining politics is about sacrifice and one should not consider it as a career option.. I seriously doubt this.. Our MPs and MLAs don't work for free.. As a matter of fact, being an MP or MLA is probably most lucrative job today and you don’t even need a professional degree to qualify for this! All you need to have is, good political contact(s), lots of money (That means really a lot of them) and/ or some muscle power.. When it is the question of joining the politics, there are a number of ‘*Conditions Apply’ for common people.. But at Press Conferences, few of our charismatic ‘youth leaders’ always ‘encourage’ the ‘young and educated’ to join Politics.. But the real fact is, for commoners, they will ask you to come through ranks and in an imperfect and undemocratic system where genuine qualification matter least, it is impossible to ‘come through ranks’ alone and reach a responsible position.. About the 'Sacrifice' aspect, it is quite well known fact that how patriotic our politicians are and how many of them lose their sleep over the issues common people are facing today.. To sum up, I only see insincerity and shamelessness as far as acts of our politicians are concerned.. There might be handful good ones, but the whole system is so much rotten that those few will never have a free hand in setting the things right..

As most others, I will leave even this feed as a non conclusive one.. Not that I have run out of words or the ideas, but at the moment I am having a feeling of repugnance.. We have been let down and cheated so many times now.. These politicians have forgotten that they have been elected and selected and are being paid handsomely to do some work.. But what they are doing is far from what they are expected to do.. Worse still, they are diverting the attention from their incompetence by involving people into their political rivalries.. Not only they are not doing what they are supposed to do in their 'working/ official' hours, but they are also wasting other resources for their own benefits.. This is simply not done..

Just think about the number and monetary values of the various scams in recent times.. Think about the similar incidents which have happened in past.. Then think about the names that were involved in those scams.. How many of those have reached a logical end? How many culprits have been punished? More than everything, how much amount related with these scams has been recovered? A small analysis of these questions brings up the answer that why we should not be surprised to see the shady images in our political system and why we have people with criminal backgrounds getting tickets and contesting elections even from behind the bars.. In fact, this is something common across all the political parties.. Our law and judicial system is applicable to the common people only and may be our Politicians don't come under the perview of it. Bigger the stature, more 'Pas Applicable' laws become to them. But we should not be complaining, for being a good citizen, we should have 'full faith' in our 'Judicial system'.

So where does it leave the common man? At least from what I can comprehend, it leaves ‘we the common people’ with very little options.. We need to be contended by what they are doing.. We have cynics running the country who are full of murky intentions and want to see the things going on as per their whims.. May be we should get used to this feeling of betrayal and abuse, maybe we have got used to it….